Hello Wildlings, Darklings, Corvidae.
Warning: this blog post is an open stream of consciousness as I work out many feelings I’m having right now. If you’re seeking my usual prose and insightfulness, it may or may not make an appearance. I appreciate you nonetheless.
What a year this has been. Looking back on it, it seems a blur. I also feel I’m in a bit of grey area at the moment. As you may have read in my blog post A Revolution of Restful Resolution, the new year doesn’t really occur for me at January 1st. It simply marks the passing of one man-made calendar into another. Though I do tend to feel that shift and anticipate the coming of Ostara, the Spring Equinox, Aries Season, and all those Let’s Do This vibes.
I’ve found myself reflecting a lot since Samhain. Paying close attention to my body, my dreams and my energy throughout the day. It’s growing more and more clear where I’m putting energy into things that once resonated, but now do not. In some instances, I’ve felt physically ill as my body separates me from things no longer meant for me. I’ve had to take a long hard look at my path: at my practice, at my business, my offerings, the things I’ve promised and not delivered on.
That matters to me.
It bothers me, endlessly, when I say I’m going to do something and I don’t. When I say I’ll accomplish something by “this date” and I don’t. When I promise something to my followers, readers and clients and I don’t deliver. It makes me angry at myself, in varying degrees. But what’s needed isn’t anger. That doesn’t help me. What’s needed is honesty, and forgiveness.
Sometimes, we grow so attached to an idea of something, and we put so much into it, so much work and effort and time, so many plans, so many hours, so many promises. But sometimes, somewhere along the way, the longer the way is, we start to lose touch with why we wanted that idea in the first place; why it was so important to us. It becomes about doing it because we said we would, because we promised. It’s no longer because we want to. And when that happens, we need to be very honest with ourselves and get very clear on whether or not we still want it or not. It’s difficult, the more work you’ve already put into something, to admit you don’t want it anymore. The work feels like a waste, the time feels like a waste. It becomes clear that you haven’t wanted it for a while yet pushed on anyway, and now here you are, looking back on all this time you could’ve put towards something else; something that actually lights you up.
This is where I’m at right now. This is the grey limbo I find myself wandering, silently passing translucent ideas of things I once wanted.
I keep hearing, Simplify. Simplify.
It’s hard to simplify when you’re a naturally complicated person.
But am I complicated? Or do I believe that because other people made me feel like I was? Like I was difficult and complex and “too much”.
It is true, though, that I do tend to overcomplicate things. This comes entirely from a place of fear. I know this. I worry, endlessly, that my vision won’t be received. That if I don’t explain every detail perfectly, no one will really understand what I’m showing, telling or offering.
I’ve learned that I am a very private person. I feel safest when my life is a mystery to everyone. So when I choose to share something, whether it’s a piece of art, a piece of writing, an offering or service… I tend to over-explain the details because I’m afraid the intention, story or feeling that I want to convey will be missed. And if no one experiences what I’m giving exactly as I intend it, how will they really understand it? How will they really know it? How will they really know that part of me?
And so I struggle. I write and rewrite and rewrite again. Designing web pages for services over and over. Designing content for offerings over and over. I spend hours and hours working on it, putting in all the time I say I am, because I want so badly to keep to my word, but seeming to get nowhere. Never feeling finished. Wondering, more and more, why it doesn’t feel good anymore. I edit, again and again, wondering all along, Why doesn’t it feel right? What am I still getting wrong? Why am I having such a hard time articulating this?
Because I probably don’t want it anymore.
Because I probably don’t care.
Because despite my early excitement, my good intentions, and the goals I had for it, somewhere along the way it became something else, and I became something else, and now this thing and I no longer align.
AND THAT’S OKAY.
The power of those three words can change everything.
I don’t want this anymore.
And that’s okay.
So much weight, gently lifting away.
It’s okay.
I worry about all the people I’ll be letting down. People who were looking forward to what I promised, who waited and waited and waited through every hiatus, every extension, every push in the delivery date.
But I have to choose me here. I can’t give my best work when I’m not behind the offering. And I can only hope everyone will understand that. If my heart isn’t in it, I can’t provide my best work. I can’t give the best of the part of myself I allow to be seen. And that matters.
During this time of reflection, I’m exploring more areas in which I’ve been putting effort that no longer resonates. This is a truly powerful practice. But I believe a lot of us avoid it, maybe even subconsciously, because we’re afraid of learning we’ve wasted time.
Because time is so very precious.
I invite you to reflect. To ask yourself what feels good and what doesn’t. If it feels good, ask yourself if it’s something you want more of. If it doesn’t feel good, ask yourself why. Ask yourself if it’s something you still want.
And know that it’s entirely okay if it isn’t.
It can feel like giving up; I totally get that. And the Aries in me does not like giving up. The Scorpio in me doesn’t like admitting to it either. But the Libra in me knows the importance of balance. Of the gentle flow and weightlessness of Air. The importance of easy breaths.
I breathe much easier knowing I no longer have to make something work that isn’t working.
This can apply to anything and everything. Work. Projects. Relationships. Situationships. Friendships. Goals. Promises. Dreams.
It’s okay to outgrow your dreams.
Let them evolve with you.
Don’t limit your potential by forcing yourself to stick to things that no longer resonate. Places you no longer fit. Let them go with love and allow space for what’s to come now.
Just writing this has made me feel better in my body. I’m so grateful for that.
Since realising that I may be putting my energy into something that no longer feels right for me, I’ve started opening doors and windows and portals all around me. Through the grey of my limbo, I can see other worlds, other possibilities.
The other night I had an idea, and a few hours later, I had the bones of a new offering. That felt good. I also admitted that a “coming soon” offering, just didn’t feel good right now. I knew it wasn’t goodbye forever, but the version of me now can’t commit to the version of that, and it has yet to evolve into a new version that can meet me where I am now. So I’m putting it to rest for now.
I love what I do. I hope that’s always clear in my work. In my words. In what I put out there. But as the time of Samhain grows more distant, the Winter Solstice approaches, and Winter begins Her first brushes along my skin, I find that reflection, honesty, and understanding are at the forefront of my work with myself.
And it all begins with the Self.
I am being called to set down what no longer serves me, knowing that to push it will not serve others. I am being called to breathe easier, to allow easier, to flow easier. I am being called to show up more in my art, writing and yoga practice, for myself. It doesn’t matter if no one will see it.
Therein lies another struggle of today’s business owners, healers and readers: we’ve all become content creators out of necessity to exist and survive in an ever-changing digital landscape. And when you are your brand, every moment is met with the question, Should I be documenting this? Is this content? Or is this just for me? Can this just be for me?
I wrote on my Instagram once about my struggle with authentically presenting myself as a brand while honouring myself as an individual. This struggle plays into my need for privacy as well. How can I ensure the parts of me I allow to be seen are authentic when they’re so protected?
So many thoughts.
I wonder, I wonder.
Forgiveness is my theme right now. I’m forgiving myself for pushing through my intuition, through my body warning me I was no longer on my path. I’m hoping my patient followers can forgive me changing my mind. I should’ve admitted sooner that it just didn’t feel good anymore.
As we move into the gentle rest of Winter, be kind to yourself. Be honest with yourself. Forgive yourself where you need to. Let yourself put down weight you’ve convinced yourself you must carry. Allow space. Know that it’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to walk away. It’s okay to say, I don’t want this anymore.
I don’t know if it’s the Aries in me (if you can blame Mercury for everything, I can blame my Sun sign), but I love the “hustle”. I love working on my business and knowing that my energy is going towards something meaningful to me. But too often, “making a few website tweaks” turns into 1:00 am, my love gone to bed without me, my body begging me to stop, and anxiety creeping in that it’s still “not enough”.
That’s when I know it doesn’t feel good anymore and I’m not doing it for the right reasons.
Those times I catch myself still going at 1:00 am and everything in me is going, This is gonna be so AWESOME!, I know I’m onto something. Those moments I allow. Those tired mornings with extra coffee are super welcome.
I’m hoping for more of that in the coming months.
I’ve learned that right now my truth is that I love writing, I miss painting, I need yoga, I love reading (books and tarot cards), and I don’t want to offer anything else right now. And that’s okay. That’s good.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for holding space. I like these moments of vulnerability, because they remind not only my audience, but me, that there’s a human on the other side of this work. And she needs my love more than anyone’s. Just as you need yours.
I hope for peace to find you in the coming days. I hope that what lights you up really lights you up, and what’s time has come can be laid to rest gently, lovingly, and gratefully. Working on things not meant for me has taught me a lot about myself. Made clear many a thing.
Oh, I do love my mirrors, don’t I?
Rest well these coming months, little wildling.
And we shall all wake as fires come Spring.
Love you,
